I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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