I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Randomize
