wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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