this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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