I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
birth control should be required to get into college
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
