Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
