You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize