My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
