god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
