Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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