I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
