so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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