Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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