Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Randomize
