remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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