I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
