chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
