im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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