They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
