I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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