normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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