i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I enjoy the company of your penis
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