The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
