My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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