I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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