I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
