Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
