omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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