my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize