I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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