oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
