This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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