My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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