Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
