I can tuck mytits in my pants
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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