he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
