I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
