There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
