Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
