Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
