i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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