you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
