I just pynch a tree in the face
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I wear drunk well.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
