i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
The Olympian is in my bed
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
