i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
