Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
