Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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