Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize