I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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