someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
