She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
