just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
