Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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