my phone needs a breathalizer
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
