you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just found puke in my bra..
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
