turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize