you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
