hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
