What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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