I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
