i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
