he puts the penis in happiness.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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