First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
this hospital has no fireball
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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