Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
